last nights sleep was horrific, overslept by a good hour and a half, making me an hour late to work. my boss wasnt that bothered though, he was more concerned i was ok. i think the constantly rushing out, being very quiet and zombie look on my face had something to do with that. anyhow, he decided there really was no point in me being there and sent me home, locked up the shop and said take the afternoon off, how lovely of him, he even offered for me to have a few days off if i needed it, aswell as telling me that he 'needed my talent' so the only way that id ever loose my job was if i decided to walk out, even if i spent the entire time there swearing and screaming at him. epic boss much? anyhow, things today with my man have been ok, aslong as he applies himself to me and makes me feel like everything, and there is never any mention of she who shall not be named, then we might be ok. doesnt mean ill put up with it for forever mind you. he's really recognised that he fucked up and almost lost me, and i think it hit him quite hard, because suddenly hes making more of an effort. he didnt like the man he was becoming either, so i guess he's determined to sort that out, and im glad. he says hes going to come and see me tomorrow, not holding onto any hope though or getting excited as it could just end in let-down, in his words 'best way to not get let down is to not expect anything'. (those words still hurt a little bit, but im taking his advice). i also went to see a friend tonight who i havent seen for ages, we played xbox for a bit and then watched a movie, it was actually really lovely, a very teenage thing to do, but maybe thats what ive needed, a bit of a teenage night, some fun and some time to relax. its hard work being an adult 24/7.
anyways, thats the update of my day, now for what my title is about. driving my car home from the petrol station i passed a boy, and even in the dark, when he looked at me he scowled. at first i didnt take any notice, just common human behaviour, but then i thought....why is it? i mean, why are we all so defensive against each other, why do we all feel the need to put up a tough front and act angry/shut off around others, surely the world would be a far nicer place if everyone offered each other a smile, even to a complete stranger? if we waved and said hello to passers by...we'd be more united and a far happier world. and then i realised it...fear. we anger others, put on this front and act 'the big man' because we fear. fear we may seem weak, fear we make ourselves vulnerable and fear of rejection. its primitive. that need to establish a pecking order, a case of survival of fittest and dominance. we as humans have this subconscious need to establish a silent pecking order amongst others around us, to compete for attractiveness and dominance as after all this is survival of the fittest, the obsession with looks is a primal need to breed, without us even realising so. its what our bodies have evolved to do. ultimately we are no different from any other species, we look for a mate, produce offspring and compete for hierarchy, without being aware of it...it just so happens that humans also have been programmed with emotions that blur our primal urges. compassion, love, hope...so if we are in control and can subconsciously control these primitive traits, why do we choose to use them negatively in the world? why do we need project love and joy into others lives, instead we judge, cast-aside and reject others around us daily without even realising it. take that boy that i passed for example, without even knowing me he had already made a subconscious note in his head that i was a threat and therefore his defences came out, he attempted to establish a pecking order, and yet we arent aware of this, its a subconscious process that takes less than a second to act upon. funny how the human mind works when you really think about it...
i refuse to be one of those people, from now on i will smile at others in the street, say hello to passers by and generally just be warmer, and in turn others will feel the joy and pass it on. the butterfly effect.
now ive blown my mind, and maybe yours, sleep time!
nanight x
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