so first things first, this blog isnt meant for anyone to read particularly, its more a place for me to vent my feelings and keep note of everything going on. if anyone is reading it, helloooo! anyhow, this is where im going to be keeping up to date on the daily shenanigans in my life and my emotions as some times i reach that point where i just want to vent and explode and blogging seemed to help before, so here we go again, freya's crazy thoughts and feelings, but this seems a far more constructive way of dealing with things, rather than exploding or bottling shit up, because we all know how damaging that can be. anyhow, on with my first entry.
ps; no offence is ever meant by what i write, this is purely for my purpose only.
today has been a pretty shitty day in general. its hard being a partner of a transman, they can be far from predictable and at times downright infuriating. they have so much going on for themselves, that at times you feel slightly pushed to the back of the shelf on their priorities list. it doesnt mean that they dont love you and dont care, it just simply means "hey ive got a lot of shit going on right now, sorry youre not feeling like my everything, but you are.". but this begs the question, are you their everything? i guess thats the way im feeling at the moment, we all know that being with someone who is transitioning is never going to be an easy ride, they're having to deal with how they are feeling, let alone how you feel, and sometimes this gets pushed to one side. but when does it reach a point when you feel you are being pushed aside a little too much? i read something interesting today, a counsellor during her sessions would place a diary on the table, and when someone was ranting about a partner, every few minutes shed push the diary a few inches. when the final push came and the diary fell on the floor shed then ask the person "why did the diary fall on the floor?" to which theyd reply "because you pushed it" and then she'd say "but which push caused it to fall? the last one, or the series of movements before?". what she means by this is that nothing ever just 'happens', it takes lots of little actions to finally cause the big blow, and this is how it feels at the moment. every little thing that happens, everytime im shut out or ignored, it pushes that diary closer to the edge, until its balancing there, question is, how long till it falls? you see emotionally for me, that diary has been close to falling a couple of times because there have been occasions where i just think that i cant handle this anymore, and then something in me triggers or he does something that makes my heart flutter, and the diary is pushed back towards the centre of the table a little bit. today has brought that diary pretty close to the edge, infact the entire week has. its not that i am questioning or doubting my love for him, because i know that i well and truly love him with all my heart, its that i question his love for me at times. how do you communicate with a brick wall? its like im lined up infront of a barrier of gunsmen who are all standing behind a fence of barbed wire. you're going to have the battle of a lifetime trying to get through it, and its going to hurt and damage you, a lot. but you know if you can just break through it, then it will be worth every emotional setback you felt, every tear you shed and every letdown or heartache youve felt. so now how do i break through my mans line of artillery? thats something im still trying to figure out. this isnt to say he's a bad man, infact rather on the contrary, hes rather incredible and terribly dapper. its just recently im seeing this colder side to him, its like watching a little lost puppy, you want to pick it up, cuddle it and protect it, give it a safe home and make its life wonderful and loving, yet everytime you try to get near that puppy, it will let you cuddle it for a fraction of a second before it turns round a tries to bite you. they question is, do you persist with that puppy? knowing that its going to take time and trust and that you'll probably get bitten a fair few times before it finally lets you cuddle it, or do you walk away from it and decide that its evidently got a personal vendetta against you and youre trying with a lost cause? no one ever said love was going to be easy, but i sure didnt expect it to be as difficult as this. i want him to show me the love and support i show him, im not asking for him to suddenly burst into song or write me a massive letter (although it would be amazing), but little things, like getting a text out the blue from him telling me he loves me and cant wait to hold me, or just a silly little phone call to remind me he's there and thinking of me. thats the thing, when i get a text from him and i havent text him first, i know it means hes thinking of me, and that means more to me than anyone will ever know. i love my man, scarily so, and i wont go down without a fight, however i need to feel like the fight is worth it, that my tears and heartbreak are being heard rather than feeling how i do at the moment where i feel like no matter what i say, its never particularly noted or bothered about. im special and im worth a lot, i know this, i just hope he sees it and acknowledges it too. maybe one day he'll show me what i truly mean to him, if i mean anything.
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