so i did something pretty crappy last night....

so i after having time to calm down and reflect i feel like ive been a bitch of a bitch, i accused my man of being bipolar last night, and its not that i meant it, its just that i cant seem to get my head around the constant switching. one day he'll be loving and romantic, the next he's ignoring me and shutting me out.  and i know he doesnt mean it, and im sure its not aimed at me, it just really gets to me. more than gets to me, it hurts like a bitch. the thing that i want him to understand though is that if he was bipolar thats not me saying hes a bad person or that its a bad thing, bipolar isnt something you chose or something you want, its certainly not something you can control. its like someone putting a switch inside you and you feel yourself for ages but then suddenly someone will flick that switch and youre out of control, angry, moody and shut off, and all the while the real you is screaming inside, begging for it to stop, but it wont. its not something you control, its the bipolar controlling you. maybe he isnt bipolar, maybe hes just having a really hard time at the moment, i wouldnt really know as he wont open up to me when hes like this, but when i said it it wasnt to dig at him or get to him at all, it was because i was worried about him and getting checked out at the doctor might have helped, it could be something or it could just be general stress. i know he doesnt mean it when he's like this, and i know he loves me, he just gets himself stuck. i just know im feeling terrible about myeslf for saying it and for hurting and upsetting him, as that was never my intention. im hurting too though, i dont know if he realises how he makes me feel when he switches or shuts off, i feel useless when it happens, i want to be able to be there, be his post to lean on, but he wont let me. im just so stuck, lost, confused....i want him, all of him, and i want my bubbly and charming man that i see 95% of the time, and when hes having a crap time, i dont want him to hide it from me, i want him to tell me and talk to me and offload to me, thats what im here for, thats what being someones partner is about, supporting them regardless. please baby, if you read this please realise how sorry i am and how much i love you, i just wish youd realise i AM here for you and i want you to be able to talk to me, youre not alone anymore, and its time you started realising that. i love you mr darcy, my personal prozac and my best friend x