and...breatheeeee

waking up in the bed at my nans is like waking up in a giant marshmallow, everytime you try and move you end up falling back asleep because youre just so comfy and its so quiet. so its fathers day today, phoned dad, hes done a half iron-man in 4hours 30, proud daughter right here, although thinking of my grandad today as is he. woke up stuuupiiidddlyyy late, went downstairs to find nan cooking sunday lunch, smells amazing!! the funny thing about being here, is that everytime i come to stay on my own, i see myself living here when im older, the perfect family home. the garage has been demolished and a fancy wooden one has been put up, all picket fences everywhere, house is immaculate and modern, its just generally beautiful. i walk around and i think 'yeah, i could see myself waking up here before going to work, or having my kids play in the garden" its rather nice. its just not quite by the sea, but i suppose thats something i could deal with, the land is here anyways.  im not sure how im feeling in regards to my man and i today, well pretty crap to be honest. i couldn't fall asleep last night because i felt like he was meant to be here with me, spooning me and holding me, and instead i was in bed on my own watching the L word and munching on twizzlers that i had packed for him. i think i eventually fell asleep by about 3am from sheer exhaustion, i just couldnt stop all these thoughts and emotions racing around in my head. i dreamt of him last night, i dreamt we had incredible and intoxicating love making, and that we were living here. this caused me to wake up in a still half asleep state and say "morning baby" as i rolled over and reached out for him, realising he wasnt there and that it had just been a dream. decided to take myself back to sleep as i didnt want to start my day off thinking of him, not when i felt my heart sink. woke up again a few hours later, and did think of him, but only briefly as i checked my phone and realised he hadn't text me, evidently im not on his mind today. i went out to the car with my cup of tea, grabbed a cigarette and sat watching the cows in the field, breathing in the damp air around me, thinking that i should be ratherly cold being only in cotton pj short shorts and a strappy top, but it was so refreshing. and then he entered my mind again, and i saw us, living here, our family, or maybe not our family, just us, i dont know, but i suddenly felt contented, but i felt like i was meant to walk in from having my cup of tea and he'd be sat inside and we'd be spending the day together, going to see the famalam and whatnot. instead, i am sat today with nanny lilly doing nothing at all, not that im complaining, maybe a little headspace will do me some good, its just sad he's not here to share in this with me.

that all aside, i look good today, black corded 3/4 lengths, black strappy top and grey old-man hoodie, makeup done and hair lightly ringletty. time for some of nans amazing cooking!! will continue to write later.