i dont know if it worries me that he can read this? :/ im feeling a little hazy and lost, in one sentence tonight all how i felt was confirmed, of loving someone more than they love you. its like suddenly my barriers have shot up, i want to suddenly shut off and run away, run away from my feelings, tell them to stop, i dont want to feel so love-drunk, because he's not. stupid fucking emotions, need to fuck off and shut down, youre not wanted right now, come back in a couple of months and then ask me how im feeling. i think maybe thats something i need to learn to do, make myself be a bit colder, not quite so 'pliable' or 'soft', because until he loves me as much as i do him, im setting myself up to be hurt. i feel like i need a cigarette, like i need some cold air and to breathe, maybe have a bit of a cry or time to think. like in titanic when rose runs to the edge of the boat because shes suffocating under her own emotions. thats me. time to change, time to close off a bit and put my armour on a tad, hes got his on, why havent i? and this isnt because i dont love him, i just love him too much right now and care too much, and this needs to stop. deffo cigarette time, take 5, calm down and then get into bed and skype him. oh crappy emotions, the day humans were given emotions was the day the world fucked up. why cant i be a sloth or something? they dont really have emotions, they eat a few leaves, doze a bit, munch a bit more, doze a bit more, non of this complex human shit. rahhh. sleep time, cigarette time? fuck knows, knew i should have brought my baccy in!!