too numb and tired to write, just, let down, hurt...crappy. "i guess sometimes your knight in shining armour us just a dickhead in tinfoil' he broke his word, he let me down, i dont know how to do this anymore, i feel more and more distant with every day the real him is gone for...diarys on edge.

so ive been thinking...

last nights sleep was horrific, overslept by a good hour and a half, making me an hour late to work. my boss wasnt that bothered though, he was more concerned i was ok. i think the constantly rushing out, being very quiet and zombie look on my face had something to do with that. anyhow, he decided there really was no point in me being there and sent me home, locked up the shop and said take the afternoon off, how lovely of him, he even offered for me to have a few days off if i needed it, aswell as telling me that he 'needed my talent' so the only way that id ever loose my job was if i decided to walk out, even if  i spent the entire time there swearing and screaming at him. epic boss much? anyhow, things today with my man have been ok, aslong as he applies himself to me and makes me feel like everything, and there is never any mention of she who shall not be named, then we might be ok. doesnt mean ill put up with it for forever mind you. he's really recognised that he fucked up and almost lost me, and i think it hit him quite hard, because suddenly hes making more of an effort. he didnt like the man he was becoming either, so i guess he's determined to sort that out, and im glad. he says hes going to come and see me tomorrow, not holding onto any hope though or getting excited as it could just end in let-down, in his words 'best way to not get let down is to not expect anything'. (those words still hurt a little bit, but im taking his advice). i also went to see a friend tonight who i havent seen for ages, we played xbox for a bit and then watched a movie, it was actually really lovely, a very teenage thing to do, but maybe thats what ive needed, a bit of a teenage night, some fun and some time to relax. its hard work being an adult 24/7.

anyways, thats the update of my day, now for what my title is about. driving my car home from the petrol station i passed a boy, and even in the dark, when he looked at me he scowled. at first i didnt take any notice, just common human behaviour, but then i thought....why is it? i mean, why are we all so defensive against each other, why do we all feel the need to put up a tough front and act angry/shut off around others, surely the world would be a far nicer place if everyone offered each other a smile, even to a complete stranger? if we waved and said hello to passers by...we'd be more united and a far happier world. and then i realised it...fear. we anger others, put on this front and act 'the big man' because we fear. fear we may seem weak, fear we make ourselves vulnerable and fear of rejection. its primitive. that need to establish a pecking order, a case of survival of fittest and dominance. we as humans have this subconscious need to establish a silent pecking order amongst others around us, to compete for attractiveness and dominance as after all this is survival of the fittest, the obsession with looks is a primal need to breed, without us even realising so. its what our bodies have evolved to do. ultimately we are no different from any other species, we look for a mate, produce offspring and compete for hierarchy, without being aware of it...it just so happens that humans also have been programmed with emotions that blur our primal urges. compassion, love, hope...so if we are in control and can subconsciously control these primitive traits, why do we choose to use them negatively in the world? why do we need project love and joy into others lives, instead we judge, cast-aside and reject others around us daily without even realising it. take that boy that i passed for example, without even knowing me he had already made a subconscious note in his head that i was a threat and therefore his defences came out, he attempted to establish a pecking order, and yet we arent aware of this, its a subconscious process that takes less than a second to act upon. funny how the human mind works when you really think about it...

i refuse to be one of those people, from now on i will smile at others in the street, say hello to passers by and generally just be warmer, and in turn others will feel the joy and pass it on. the butterfly effect.

now ive blown my mind, and maybe yours, sleep time!
nanight x

head is just everywhere tonight, literally. cant decide how i feel or what to do. even talking to the one other person who is close to me isnt helping, i guess because they still have feelings, they cant see why im allowing myself to be hurt like this, but the truth is, i do it because i love him. but i cant be toyed with anymore, i cant be with him as him, whilst he plays helen with her. its not fair and its damaging me. but he doesnt seem to care. having cake and eating it? why am i with somene who is so damaging? :/

i seriously dont know if can do this, fucking false sense of security. i opened up tonight, really opened up and for fucking what? to find out that actually, there are still 2 of us. if he wants to be himself, then let go of the past, if he wants to be helen, then be helen. but dont switch. i cant do this. end of. i cant. not with her there. i refuse. i refuse to be part of a game.

rahh! why did he have to say that yesterday, now ive woken up feeling all funny and like how ive been around him is all too much, too much like a person love drunk. suddenly ive woken up with my barriers up and im suddenly being cautious, this isnt how i want to be, i want to laugh and joke around with him, not feel like im pushing him away because i feel like hes rejected me :/

i dont know if it worries me that he can read this? :/ im feeling a little hazy and lost, in one sentence tonight all how i felt was confirmed, of loving someone more than they love you. its like suddenly my barriers have shot up, i want to suddenly shut off and run away, run away from my feelings, tell them to stop, i dont want to feel so love-drunk, because he's not. stupid fucking emotions, need to fuck off and shut down, youre not wanted right now, come back in a couple of months and then ask me how im feeling. i think maybe thats something i need to learn to do, make myself be a bit colder, not quite so 'pliable' or 'soft', because until he loves me as much as i do him, im setting myself up to be hurt. i feel like i need a cigarette, like i need some cold air and to breathe, maybe have a bit of a cry or time to think. like in titanic when rose runs to the edge of the boat because shes suffocating under her own emotions. thats me. time to change, time to close off a bit and put my armour on a tad, hes got his on, why havent i? and this isnt because i dont love him, i just love him too much right now and care too much, and this needs to stop. deffo cigarette time, take 5, calm down and then get into bed and skype him. oh crappy emotions, the day humans were given emotions was the day the world fucked up. why cant i be a sloth or something? they dont really have emotions, they eat a few leaves, doze a bit, munch a bit more, doze a bit more, non of this complex human shit. rahhh. sleep time, cigarette time? fuck knows, knew i should have brought my baccy in!!

he did it...he got in contact! everytime my phone has gone off today i hoped it would be him and it wasnt, just texts off other people, and then about half an hour ago my phone went off, and there it was, a text from him. i went hot/cold/hold/cold, sicky feeling, blood rush, complete emotion overload. it wasnt anything fancy just a simple 'hey..'. now to others this would mean nothing, but to me it says a lot. it says a) he was thinking of me, the ".."says he was worried whether i would reply or how i would react. my instant reaction was "im sorry:/" thats all i had been wanting to say to him all day, was that i was sorry and that i loved him. the result being that we apologised to each other, talked things through and told each other we loved each other. thats all i had wanted to hear all day, that he was sorry and loved me, just like i did him. the world suddenly feels calm and peaceful again, oh happy freya. no-one ever said this was easy, and it isnt, but today we had a revolution...we communicated, we took a step forward, and thats all i can ask :) i love him, so much.

so this not hearing from him is really starting to eat me up now, making me feel sick and unsettled. i want him to contact me and tell me its all ok, that he knows im sorry and that he's sorry too, and then to tell each other we love one another, i hate fighting with him, i hate feeling like ive upset him and he's upset me.

so i did something pretty crappy last night....

so i after having time to calm down and reflect i feel like ive been a bitch of a bitch, i accused my man of being bipolar last night, and its not that i meant it, its just that i cant seem to get my head around the constant switching. one day he'll be loving and romantic, the next he's ignoring me and shutting me out.  and i know he doesnt mean it, and im sure its not aimed at me, it just really gets to me. more than gets to me, it hurts like a bitch. the thing that i want him to understand though is that if he was bipolar thats not me saying hes a bad person or that its a bad thing, bipolar isnt something you chose or something you want, its certainly not something you can control. its like someone putting a switch inside you and you feel yourself for ages but then suddenly someone will flick that switch and youre out of control, angry, moody and shut off, and all the while the real you is screaming inside, begging for it to stop, but it wont. its not something you control, its the bipolar controlling you. maybe he isnt bipolar, maybe hes just having a really hard time at the moment, i wouldnt really know as he wont open up to me when hes like this, but when i said it it wasnt to dig at him or get to him at all, it was because i was worried about him and getting checked out at the doctor might have helped, it could be something or it could just be general stress. i know he doesnt mean it when he's like this, and i know he loves me, he just gets himself stuck. i just know im feeling terrible about myeslf for saying it and for hurting and upsetting him, as that was never my intention. im hurting too though, i dont know if he realises how he makes me feel when he switches or shuts off, i feel useless when it happens, i want to be able to be there, be his post to lean on, but he wont let me. im just so stuck, lost, confused....i want him, all of him, and i want my bubbly and charming man that i see 95% of the time, and when hes having a crap time, i dont want him to hide it from me, i want him to tell me and talk to me and offload to me, thats what im here for, thats what being someones partner is about, supporting them regardless. please baby, if you read this please realise how sorry i am and how much i love you, i just wish youd realise i AM here for you and i want you to be able to talk to me, youre not alone anymore, and its time you started realising that. i love you mr darcy, my personal prozac and my best friend x

nans theory of arguments: "its like a block of cheese, you start at the narrow end, but as you eat down the gap gets bigger and bigger until the distance is too big. moral being, let arguments go over your head rather than biting down that block of cheese, your love for him is far more important than petty arguments"- i love her so much <3

and...breatheeeee

waking up in the bed at my nans is like waking up in a giant marshmallow, everytime you try and move you end up falling back asleep because youre just so comfy and its so quiet. so its fathers day today, phoned dad, hes done a half iron-man in 4hours 30, proud daughter right here, although thinking of my grandad today as is he. woke up stuuupiiidddlyyy late, went downstairs to find nan cooking sunday lunch, smells amazing!! the funny thing about being here, is that everytime i come to stay on my own, i see myself living here when im older, the perfect family home. the garage has been demolished and a fancy wooden one has been put up, all picket fences everywhere, house is immaculate and modern, its just generally beautiful. i walk around and i think 'yeah, i could see myself waking up here before going to work, or having my kids play in the garden" its rather nice. its just not quite by the sea, but i suppose thats something i could deal with, the land is here anyways.  im not sure how im feeling in regards to my man and i today, well pretty crap to be honest. i couldn't fall asleep last night because i felt like he was meant to be here with me, spooning me and holding me, and instead i was in bed on my own watching the L word and munching on twizzlers that i had packed for him. i think i eventually fell asleep by about 3am from sheer exhaustion, i just couldnt stop all these thoughts and emotions racing around in my head. i dreamt of him last night, i dreamt we had incredible and intoxicating love making, and that we were living here. this caused me to wake up in a still half asleep state and say "morning baby" as i rolled over and reached out for him, realising he wasnt there and that it had just been a dream. decided to take myself back to sleep as i didnt want to start my day off thinking of him, not when i felt my heart sink. woke up again a few hours later, and did think of him, but only briefly as i checked my phone and realised he hadn't text me, evidently im not on his mind today. i went out to the car with my cup of tea, grabbed a cigarette and sat watching the cows in the field, breathing in the damp air around me, thinking that i should be ratherly cold being only in cotton pj short shorts and a strappy top, but it was so refreshing. and then he entered my mind again, and i saw us, living here, our family, or maybe not our family, just us, i dont know, but i suddenly felt contented, but i felt like i was meant to walk in from having my cup of tea and he'd be sat inside and we'd be spending the day together, going to see the famalam and whatnot. instead, i am sat today with nanny lilly doing nothing at all, not that im complaining, maybe a little headspace will do me some good, its just sad he's not here to share in this with me.

that all aside, i look good today, black corded 3/4 lengths, black strappy top and grey old-man hoodie, makeup done and hair lightly ringletty. time for some of nans amazing cooking!! will continue to write later.

lets get things straight ;)

so first things first, this blog isnt meant for anyone to read particularly, its more a place for me to vent my feelings and keep note of everything going on. if anyone is reading it, helloooo! anyhow, this is where im going to be keeping up to date on the daily shenanigans in my life and my emotions as some times i reach that point where i just want to vent and explode and blogging seemed to help before, so here we go again, freya's crazy thoughts and feelings, but this seems a far more constructive way of dealing with things, rather than exploding or bottling shit up, because we all know how damaging that can be. anyhow, on with my first entry. 

ps; no offence is ever meant by what i write, this is purely for my purpose only.

today has been a pretty shitty day in general. its hard being a partner of a transman, they can be far from predictable and at times downright infuriating. they have so much going on for themselves, that at times you feel slightly pushed to the back of the shelf on their priorities list. it doesnt mean that they dont love you and dont care, it just simply means "hey ive got a lot of shit going on right now, sorry youre not feeling like my everything, but you are.". but this begs the question, are you their everything? i guess thats the way im feeling at the moment, we all know that being with someone who is transitioning is never going to be an easy ride, they're having to deal with how they are feeling, let alone how you feel, and sometimes this gets pushed to one side. but when does it reach a point when you feel you are being pushed aside a little too much? i read something interesting today, a counsellor during her sessions would place a diary on the table, and when someone was ranting about a partner, every few minutes shed push the diary a few inches. when the final push came and the diary fell on the floor shed then ask the person "why did the diary fall on the floor?" to which theyd reply "because you pushed it" and then she'd say "but which push caused it to fall? the last one, or the series of movements before?". what she means by this is that nothing ever just 'happens', it takes lots of little actions to finally cause the big blow, and this is how it feels at the moment. every little thing that happens, everytime im shut out or ignored, it pushes that diary closer to the edge, until its balancing there, question is, how long till it falls? you see emotionally for me, that diary has been close to falling a couple of times because there have been occasions where i just think that i cant handle this anymore, and then something in me triggers or he does something that makes my heart flutter, and the diary is pushed back towards the centre of the table a little bit. today has brought that diary pretty close to the edge, infact the entire week has. its not that i am questioning or doubting my love for him, because i know that i well and truly love him with all my heart, its that i question his love for me at times. how do you communicate with a brick wall? its like im lined up infront of a barrier of gunsmen who are all standing behind a fence of barbed wire. you're going to have the battle of a lifetime trying to get through it, and its going to hurt and damage you, a lot. but you know if you can just break through it, then it will be worth every emotional setback you felt, every tear you shed and every letdown or heartache youve felt. so now how do i break through my mans line of artillery? thats something im still trying to figure out.  this isnt to say he's a bad man, infact rather on the contrary, hes rather incredible and terribly dapper. its just recently im seeing this colder side to him, its like watching a little lost puppy, you want to pick it up, cuddle it and protect it, give it a safe home and make its life wonderful and loving, yet everytime you try to get near that puppy, it will let you cuddle it for a fraction of a second before it turns round a tries to bite you. they question is, do you persist with that puppy? knowing that its going to take time and trust and that you'll probably get bitten a fair few times before it finally lets you cuddle it,  or do you walk away from it and decide that its evidently got a personal vendetta against you and youre trying with a lost cause? no one ever said love was going to be easy, but i sure didnt expect it to be as difficult as this. i want him to show me the love and support i show him, im not asking for him to suddenly burst into song or write me a massive letter (although it would be amazing), but little things, like getting a text out the blue from him telling me he loves me and cant wait to hold me, or just a silly little phone call to remind me he's there and thinking of me. thats the thing, when i get a text from him and i havent text him first, i know it means hes thinking of me, and that means more to me than anyone will ever know. i love my man, scarily so, and i wont go down without a fight, however i need to feel like the fight is worth it, that my tears and heartbreak are being heard rather than feeling how i do at the moment where i feel like no matter what i say, its never particularly noted or bothered about. im special and im worth a lot, i know this, i just hope he sees it and acknowledges it too. maybe one day he'll show me what i truly mean to him, if i mean anything. 

hmm, read this and it reminds me of a lot of people in life and how i feel a lot of the time....
*Your FIRST and HIGHEST obligation is to yourself** 

Being involved with an unmedicated bipolar is like having to endure 100 lashes (shirtless) while trying to sing the theme song from "Annie" and smiling at the same time. 

...when in an episode, people with bipolar can be HEINOUSLY self-absorbed and narcissistic! When manic, they're ONLY thinking about themselves. You're not even a 'blip' on the radar screen of the universe! You're as inconsequential to them as the mole on their ass