too numb and tired to write, just, let down, hurt...crappy. "i guess sometimes your knight in shining armour us just a dickhead in tinfoil' he broke his word, he let me down, i dont know how to do this anymore, i feel more and more distant with every day the real him is gone for...diarys on edge.

so ive been thinking...

last nights sleep was horrific, overslept by a good hour and a half, making me an hour late to work. my boss wasnt that bothered though, he was more concerned i was ok. i think the constantly rushing out, being very quiet and zombie look on my face had something to do with that. anyhow, he decided there really was no point in me being there and sent me home, locked up the shop and said take the afternoon off, how lovely of him, he even offered for me to have a few days off if i needed it, aswell as telling me that he 'needed my talent' so the only way that id ever loose my job was if i decided to walk out, even if  i spent the entire time there swearing and screaming at him. epic boss much? anyhow, things today with my man have been ok, aslong as he applies himself to me and makes me feel like everything, and there is never any mention of she who shall not be named, then we might be ok. doesnt mean ill put up with it for forever mind you. he's really recognised that he fucked up and almost lost me, and i think it hit him quite hard, because suddenly hes making more of an effort. he didnt like the man he was becoming either, so i guess he's determined to sort that out, and im glad. he says hes going to come and see me tomorrow, not holding onto any hope though or getting excited as it could just end in let-down, in his words 'best way to not get let down is to not expect anything'. (those words still hurt a little bit, but im taking his advice). i also went to see a friend tonight who i havent seen for ages, we played xbox for a bit and then watched a movie, it was actually really lovely, a very teenage thing to do, but maybe thats what ive needed, a bit of a teenage night, some fun and some time to relax. its hard work being an adult 24/7.

anyways, thats the update of my day, now for what my title is about. driving my car home from the petrol station i passed a boy, and even in the dark, when he looked at me he scowled. at first i didnt take any notice, just common human behaviour, but then i thought....why is it? i mean, why are we all so defensive against each other, why do we all feel the need to put up a tough front and act angry/shut off around others, surely the world would be a far nicer place if everyone offered each other a smile, even to a complete stranger? if we waved and said hello to passers by...we'd be more united and a far happier world. and then i realised it...fear. we anger others, put on this front and act 'the big man' because we fear. fear we may seem weak, fear we make ourselves vulnerable and fear of rejection. its primitive. that need to establish a pecking order, a case of survival of fittest and dominance. we as humans have this subconscious need to establish a silent pecking order amongst others around us, to compete for attractiveness and dominance as after all this is survival of the fittest, the obsession with looks is a primal need to breed, without us even realising so. its what our bodies have evolved to do. ultimately we are no different from any other species, we look for a mate, produce offspring and compete for hierarchy, without being aware of it...it just so happens that humans also have been programmed with emotions that blur our primal urges. compassion, love, hope...so if we are in control and can subconsciously control these primitive traits, why do we choose to use them negatively in the world? why do we need project love and joy into others lives, instead we judge, cast-aside and reject others around us daily without even realising it. take that boy that i passed for example, without even knowing me he had already made a subconscious note in his head that i was a threat and therefore his defences came out, he attempted to establish a pecking order, and yet we arent aware of this, its a subconscious process that takes less than a second to act upon. funny how the human mind works when you really think about it...

i refuse to be one of those people, from now on i will smile at others in the street, say hello to passers by and generally just be warmer, and in turn others will feel the joy and pass it on. the butterfly effect.

now ive blown my mind, and maybe yours, sleep time!
nanight x

head is just everywhere tonight, literally. cant decide how i feel or what to do. even talking to the one other person who is close to me isnt helping, i guess because they still have feelings, they cant see why im allowing myself to be hurt like this, but the truth is, i do it because i love him. but i cant be toyed with anymore, i cant be with him as him, whilst he plays helen with her. its not fair and its damaging me. but he doesnt seem to care. having cake and eating it? why am i with somene who is so damaging? :/

i seriously dont know if can do this, fucking false sense of security. i opened up tonight, really opened up and for fucking what? to find out that actually, there are still 2 of us. if he wants to be himself, then let go of the past, if he wants to be helen, then be helen. but dont switch. i cant do this. end of. i cant. not with her there. i refuse. i refuse to be part of a game.

rahh! why did he have to say that yesterday, now ive woken up feeling all funny and like how ive been around him is all too much, too much like a person love drunk. suddenly ive woken up with my barriers up and im suddenly being cautious, this isnt how i want to be, i want to laugh and joke around with him, not feel like im pushing him away because i feel like hes rejected me :/

i dont know if it worries me that he can read this? :/ im feeling a little hazy and lost, in one sentence tonight all how i felt was confirmed, of loving someone more than they love you. its like suddenly my barriers have shot up, i want to suddenly shut off and run away, run away from my feelings, tell them to stop, i dont want to feel so love-drunk, because he's not. stupid fucking emotions, need to fuck off and shut down, youre not wanted right now, come back in a couple of months and then ask me how im feeling. i think maybe thats something i need to learn to do, make myself be a bit colder, not quite so 'pliable' or 'soft', because until he loves me as much as i do him, im setting myself up to be hurt. i feel like i need a cigarette, like i need some cold air and to breathe, maybe have a bit of a cry or time to think. like in titanic when rose runs to the edge of the boat because shes suffocating under her own emotions. thats me. time to change, time to close off a bit and put my armour on a tad, hes got his on, why havent i? and this isnt because i dont love him, i just love him too much right now and care too much, and this needs to stop. deffo cigarette time, take 5, calm down and then get into bed and skype him. oh crappy emotions, the day humans were given emotions was the day the world fucked up. why cant i be a sloth or something? they dont really have emotions, they eat a few leaves, doze a bit, munch a bit more, doze a bit more, non of this complex human shit. rahhh. sleep time, cigarette time? fuck knows, knew i should have brought my baccy in!!

he did it...he got in contact! everytime my phone has gone off today i hoped it would be him and it wasnt, just texts off other people, and then about half an hour ago my phone went off, and there it was, a text from him. i went hot/cold/hold/cold, sicky feeling, blood rush, complete emotion overload. it wasnt anything fancy just a simple 'hey..'. now to others this would mean nothing, but to me it says a lot. it says a) he was thinking of me, the ".."says he was worried whether i would reply or how i would react. my instant reaction was "im sorry:/" thats all i had been wanting to say to him all day, was that i was sorry and that i loved him. the result being that we apologised to each other, talked things through and told each other we loved each other. thats all i had wanted to hear all day, that he was sorry and loved me, just like i did him. the world suddenly feels calm and peaceful again, oh happy freya. no-one ever said this was easy, and it isnt, but today we had a revolution...we communicated, we took a step forward, and thats all i can ask :) i love him, so much.